You know, I hoped it’d go away. This thing between he and I. That time will tear at the seams of it till nothing was left of it. Isn’t that what anyone with a crush hopes for? That it will just go away? But we forget that assumption is only a foolish man’s errand and much as I do not seem to remember just when my lips locked with those of foolishness, it must have happened somewhere along the way.
Right from day one, I knew he was one of those men who make you want to color the whole damn page even when you just want to stay within the lines. I knew that I wanted to do things to (and with) him the moment he said, ‘It is nice to meet you’. Maybe it was the softness his look carried. Or the fact that he had the most delicate lips I’d ever seen on a man. I was left wondering just how those lips would feel against my fingers and lips as well. Do not be disgusted, my imagination likes to travel far and beyond no matter how hard I try to tame it.
And that is how I made his lips the purpose of my living for the past few months. I mused over them when assignments were impossible and lessons in class boring. I drew shapes of them behind my notebooks. Heck, I wrote about ‘em lips in my poems. But never once did I let it be known that I was pining for him because the day I die, I want to die with my pride intact. And that is why hell was going to freeze over before I declared my feelings for him.
It has been 4 months of cleverly avoiding each other. 4 months of me thinking he is not interested and him thinking that I was not interested either. Until three weeks ago when he placed his hand on mine at the lab and I felt every cell in my body come to life. Every single one of them. Wait, so these cells have actually been as dead as dodo all this time? How many lies have I been living?
I did not reciprocate his action. I was a bit stunned, but pleasantly so. Maybe that is why I did not reciprocate his action. But mostly because I knew that if I reciprocated his action, my next words might have been, ‘You are not going to break my heart, are you?’ So, I just cooled my black ass and looked up at him and smiled shyly. You guys, Me, I smiled shyly! Looks like that smile women give while gazing at a guy from under the lashes is not as impossible when the temperatures are right, is it now? *Wink.
After massive fasting and prayer that we accidentally bump into each other, I bumped into him again a week later. After sitting down, he turned his chair towards mine, leaned in slightly and said, ‘How have you been?’ And then we talked about every possible thing. And laughed at all jokes- both lame and sober. Until he leaned in further and uttered, ‘I like you very much.’ I did not like the convincing manner in which he nodded. ‘No you don’t’ I shot back almost immediately. Because, while rehearsing my words the previous night for this conversation, I had not foreseen this. And much as I like to stay ahead of life in terms of surprises, my luck seemed to have run out on that day. Or even refilled itself. I really don’t know. He simply smiled, reached for my hand and said, ‘I really do’. As he smiled and looked into my eyes, I heard the wheels of my brain begin to rotate slower than usual.
I wanted to say the words back since the feeling was more than mutual -had been for a while in fact. But I turned my head the other way. Because that is what good girls do. Because I knew I was one breath away from leaning in towards him. I realize that simple act does not make me a saint considering the number of indecent thoughts I’ve had about him before. But hey, you gotta give it to me, my self-control game isn’t too bad. Is it?
It is not. Not with him in the least. I just like to be affirmed every now and then.
Look, I want him. I want him with such reckless abandon that I feel disgusted with myself. Sadly enough, I do not really know him and something within me tells me that he is one of those fleeting ones. One of those shiny stones you skip towards and end up leaving the real gold coins behind. Yet even that fact can’t seem to put me in check. In fact, at this moment, every other part of my body seems to be doing the thinking save for my brain. I can literally hear the snores of my brain from where I’m seated. I just know that I want him. His warm hands. Delicate lips. Soft eyes. I want him so bad.
Just see how far I’ve fallen into this pit of wantonness. I cannot even save myself.
You know the one thing they forget to tell us when we get into a relationship? It is the fact that our eyes still retain their good eyesight. They forget to warn us of the fact that hot dudes remain hot, their biceps bulging as they always have and their smiles, more blistering than ever. And I, I am paying dearly for my ignorance over the same. I am literally gasping for breath from under the weight of this incurable crush.
I like to think that I am a good person. And truly, I try hard to live within the confines of that truth on most days. But a woman is only human. So you get me when I tell you that Mr.Warm hands can’t seem to leave my mind alone? And please do not blame. He said that I have the best-looking mangoes around. And now, all that my soft but stupid mangoes seem to want is some warm hands on them. He also thought that the outfit I wore on Wednesday was cute and consequently, it is taking me everything in me not to dig it out from the pile of dirty laundry and wear it again, just in case I bump into him tomorrow. Or the day after. Please don’t tell my mother, I am already too ashamed of this. Clearly, one does not need a villager in tattered clothes and covered in coal to cast a spell on them for so that they can stay bewitched. Witchcraft can be found in the subtlest of things. Like the lips of a man. Witchcraft seems to have caught me in one of its stray nets.
Hey, I forgot to tell you that he asked to see me after class today. It is an evening class that runs late. One of those classes that run concurrently with the onset of the devil’s activities. And as I sit here chatting with Mr. Warm-hands, it is a casual chat about some info I needed. But I can tell you, it is not just the palm of my hands that are sweaty right now. Several other places are. Because I know that whatever I was fighting the other Wednesday is about to happen. And I seem to be welcoming it. And now suddenly the lines seem blurry. Wait, I cannot even see them! Maybe I just do not want to see them. Yet they -these lines- are the one last thing keeping me from reaching for his warm hands and asking him to do with me as he wishes. Okay, that is a bit of a stretch. I am not that bold in real life. The most I could do is bite my lower lip and pray to God that he reads the signal well. And acts accordingly.
I know I did the right thing -turning away when he wanted to kiss me the other time. Or at least that is what I keep telling myself. A big part of me hates myself for loving the way he said the words, ‘I like you very much’. For wanting to hear those words from his lips. His soft lips.
I saved this horrible part for last because had I stated it up there, you’d have loathed me and my wanton self so much as not to want to keep reading. I happen to be with another guy currently. A wonderful, wonderful guy. Please, may we all stamp our feet on the ground in honor of my current guy because he is a million worthy men wrapped in one bundle. And yes, I am so attracted to him on all levels you can think of. Like, really attracted. Damn it, I intended to sound more convincing than that.
And on a normal day, I am a prim girl. Much as is within my control, I try not to color outside the lines. But honestly, I’m doing worse than a drunk at this point. I am just walking zig-zag hoping that I do not trip and fall. I just want Mr. Warm hands. And I understand if you think that I am one of those selfish and ungrateful women who have everything they want but still stay unsatisfied. Because I am starting to think that way about myself as well. I will try not to cross the line even though that is what I want to do the most right now. But how I wish that you innovative people would create eye curtains for me. To aid my fast-failing self-control. Curtains to prevent me from noticing other people.
Lastly, I admit that my writing of this article is absolutely for selfish reasons. For self-preservation. I just want to act like I resisted this thing even though we both know that I didn’t. Because truthfully, on Wednesday evening, when he said that he had wanted to kiss me earlier that day but wasn’t sure what my reaction would be i.e before I’d turned my head away. I lied by telling him that I do not know what I would have done had he tried that.
I know what I would have done. I am aware of my far-reaching wantonness. Had he tried that, brothers and sisters, may I inform you that my lips would have vacuumed the breath out of his soul. I am that hungry. And ashamedly so, my people. Ashamedly so.