8-4-4 squeezed me tight in one final embrace before letting me submit my last paper on Friday at exactly 1pm. Wading through 8-4-4 has been like chewing chloroquine tablets every morning for 16 years. By the end of it, even your waste stinks of it. You can hardly stand the taste of your own saliva. The little manners I had left, prevented me from high-fiving the supervising lecturer, the ice queen, Kuhn Tucker incarnate. Who even dares high-fives a woman has not smiled for the longest time now?
Dear classmates, Xinyanjui says hi even though he doesn’t really give a bat’s nipple whether we finish school or not. His salary is constant come rain or subsidized maize flour. That old man has a sense of humor that schooled in Brook house. It possesses finesse of its own kind.
As for xanja, did you guys ever notice that his eyebrows end as soon as they start? Joan and I felt (and still feel) that he has the stance and demeanor of a Nigerian actor. Oh, what I’d give to see himdip Ugali in that yellow-sh stew every Nigerian man eats while sitting on a creaky old stool under a tree. Every time I look at him, it takes my last ounce of decency not to go up to him and inquire if he has ancestors in Lagos. And since you guys don’t want to hear about Musyox I will not waste my ink telling you how he says hi to you guys.
About front sitters, you guys, we have fought over those front seats since the Muchai days. We’ve disliked each other for a few seasons till we became good friends in the end. Peggy, your royal highness, many think you are too direct but personally, I feel the world could use a few more women with iron fists like yourself. To be honest, if there ever was a student who utilized their fees for the four years, it was you, because only your highness can ask the kind of questions you used to ask the lecturers in class. Brenda and Grace, you two ladies epitomize poise and calmness. Wamatangi must have been paying you in denarii to stay sane and balanced while the rest of us were going bananas.
The class chopies. The people who made us weep in Kikamba every time our SST papers returned with zeros beautifully or not so beautifully painted all over them while theirs glowed with the heavenly beauty of 28s out of 30. To say that those calculus and statistics papers wiped the math department floors with our butts will be similar to undermining Peter Kenneth. Those things tried to sabotage us academically but we had nine lives each like cats from Kinangop.
I forgive you guys for every single time I suffered a mini-stroke by listening to you guys discuss the last semester’s exam questions. All your answers were always raised to power 5 while mine were rounding off to zero significance level. But I am alive, that is what counts, right? And Bever, you are a nice clown. I hope someday you become the HR manager in a big company somewhere, every day will be Friday for those employees.
As for the goons, I am praying and fasting for all of you thoroughly. Kenya isn’t exactly safe with your kind on the loose. If you want to learn how to take one day at a time, get tutorials from these guys. I’m positive Baba sleeps soundly at night knowing he has such loyal and die-hard fans like you guys. Let no one brand you guys as fanatics. I mean, what is life if not knowing which side of your bread is buttered? Hata ikiwa ni nusu mkate tu.
Nicki Minaj, whose colorful wigs made our morning classes bearable, how are you finding life after school? I always felt this lady breathed a different kind of oxygen than the rest of us pathetic mortals. Like those Christians who sit at the back of the church contented that they will still get their supply of the joy of the Lord, she always struts into class late, very late. Why hurry when we will all get to the graduation square eventually? You see, in the long run, we are all dead, so why hasten death’s steps when we can enjoy life’s niceties one day at a time. Minaj mwitu, you may never know it, but you always resuscitated my faith in the 8-4-4 system every time I wanted to quit school and marry an old man with 90 goats
Dear people punguza stress, we are going to be alright, when the storm passes over. However, it has always been my sincere wish that your younger bros could have been born earlier in life because boy, am I going to need a cute husband in the near future!
Christians, we are on our way to heaven, together. Gabriel said nawes make it if I go as an independent candidate up beyond the clouds.
Angelic girls, praise the living lord. Kindly, keep feasting on God’s goodness, there is no better diet out here. Believe me. It would also be very helpful of you if you can promise to be interceding for us of little faith whenever you can
Joan Lydia Mbeyu, I saved the best for the last, you. Granddaughter to Michelangelo, niece to Aristotle and the last descendant of Mekatilili wa Menza, many women have done well but you surpass them all. I could take your brain and trade it at the bank, get a fat ass loan enough to keep me alive on the Maldives for a lifetime. Hell, I could even buy out Kenya once I top up the cash that I will have gotten out of pawning someone’s kidney. You are the best thing that happened to me and many others in that class. I visited a herbalist the other day and he says noise making and gossip is our call, but your denial is heightening the side effects.
Mengich, it is amazing that Kenya still has men with the kind of looks you have. Niliskia una enroll masters. God bless you, mimi sina nguvu ya kuendelea bro.
As you go out there, take one day at a time. This life, with Satan the dark Lord increasing in size by day, a smile could always ease things.