Yester night, while ya’ll were sleeping, I killed an avocado that knew no sin during its lifetime. You heard me right, I killed an avocado that had seen and accepted the light. An avocado that has died and risen with Christ. My people, I ended the life of an avocado that was raised by two African parents who said that they loved him and actually acted like it!
This was the first time in the whole of 2017 that I bought an avocado that does not have those tiny wires that KPLC engineers misplaced and never got to locate. Clearly, you can see how unlucky Ive been in this life.
Let me tell you some more about this avocado. That avocado was born by two elite parents who studied in Yale and Princeton, respectively. It grew up in the leafy side of Nairobi, schooled in Brookhurst International school and owns a YouTube vlog in the avocado world. It was an avocado that knew civility and manners. It was an avocado that never ate groundnuts from under the locker while a lesson or class was going on. And most definitely, that avocado never picked its nose when young. Only crude people like me did that when young.
As I held its softness in my hands last night, I was compelled to pause the series I was watching (read that as staring at the men’s shoulders and asking God why He always has to be 4 days (or years) late in my love life.) And then, I paid that avocado its respects. As in, niliipea a well-deserved moment of silence.
But before I leave, I have a question to naturalistas and all other interested parties. When you want to do an avocado treatment on your hair but on cutting the avocado your eyes meet with this level of beauty and juiciness. What do you do? My sisters, what do you do? Do you proceed with caution or do you just fall prostate on your bosoms and call upon Father Lord, saying ‘Forgive me father for I am pathetic, greedy and… about to sin? Tell me, what do you do.
Now, you and I are not too different.
You will salt the Avocado in painful slowness. Didnt we talk about making moments last? You do not even bother to partition the avocado into sexy pieces the way you read in a certain food blog. No. Why waste time when the scramble and partition for Africa took place centuries ago? Unaishika tu na maganda yake and relish the softness of it. Then, you eat it as greedily as you can. Coz honestly speaking, that avocado is just about the only thing going right in your life at that moment. And in any case, who is watching. Well, except God and, maybe Melchizedeck. He is a nosy one.
And just like that, you ruin the life, the very fruitful life of that avocado. After you are done, you remember to say ‘ For a life well lived, we thank the lord. We really do thank the father of lights.’ Then you toss the poor avocado skin with all the recklessness you can afford in you into the dustbin from where you are sitted. Thank God it does not miss the opening. And then, you get back to your nasty life but with a prospective future behind you😉😉. And softer skin, maybe? But not before aiming that spoon that you used to the sink. The poor spoon misses the point, just like you currently are missing the point in your life, and falls a bit far from the sink. But, friend, be of good cheer. Because God abhors laziness. And dirty spoons.
Now friend, has life been kicking you on every side that your butt is so sore from nonconsensual high-fiving of the floor? Yes? Me too. Life has been nasty to me lately. So nasty that nowadays I wake up uttering stuff like, ‘Life, are we still in 2017? ‘
Or ‘hello sadness, my old friend. Youre still here? Didnt you say that you’ll be staying for just a few weeks then find your own place?’
Yeah. Life has been that nasty to me that the moment I cut that avocado into two and saw how good and juicy it was, I felt all my past, present and future sorrows dissolve onto nothingness. I felt my pains seep away from my soul; one by one. I even saw a future for my small butt. Hallelu-haha. Just laugh at me but my frens, we are making it. Me and my tinny properties. Seeing that avocado in all its shameless glory gave me this insatiable need, urge, address this great nation. And as you can see, I am doing just that. I mean come on, one thing is going right in my damn nasty life😂!
Kesho, I’ve resolved to go back to that delightful mama mboga and ask her in a solemn voice, kama ile ya ‘honorable adjucticators, ladies and gentrumen😂😎 ‘Aki mathe, what did you see in me as to grant me this opportunity? This unique opportunity to exercise and indulge my tumbo-cratic tendencies?
Then I will swagger off before she masters the courage to tell me that she saw greatness in me.